Grief + Gratitude: Pandemic Perspective
One of our favorite parts of this project is giving women a place to tell their story. It isn’t an easy ask, especially after this last year, to go quiet, reflect, and see where you fall in this thing called life.
But Jenny blew us away- we asked her to take a moment to share her pandemic perspective and in her words we found shared experience and feelings that we had been unable to put in words.
We would love to hear from you, our Interwovxn community. Let’s continue the conversation of how the pandemic has affected/affects us as women. In each others’ words may we find inspiration, comfort, hope, and reassurance. You are not alone.
Thank you, Jenny, for allowing us to share your honesty and strength.
Written by Jen
One gift I’ve received from the pandemic has been a deep working relationship with grief, a new reverence for its broad necessity, and a developing connection to what’s on the other side. For me, acceptance of what I lost during the pandemic has been a slow process; denial has been such a transmutable companion throughout the past year; small wonder it’s the first step in the grieving process.
So what has the pandemic required me to let go of? Perhaps most notably, and like many, any remaining illusion that I have control over other people, places, things, or events. A close second? My determination to be right, or to win. I may be right, but who’s counting, and is that more important than happiness, or kindness? What else… the pandemic required me to surrender how I subconsciously measured myself as a woman, a mother, a wife, a friend, a professional, a neighbor, a consumer, an activist, a basic participant in a society, and actually admit that while I’d always prided myself on being something of a non-conformist, unflapped by comparison and competition, I had, in all reality, totally conformed to a society that I expected to continue functioning in a way that was convenient for me. Talk about staring down the barrel of a loaded Ego. In a nutshell, the pandemic bundled up all the existential “stuff” I thought I had a previous grip on, set it in my lap, and quietly asked, “…really?” Coming to terms with how my female body is aging was in that bundle. How I was (or was not) being honest about my mental health and being ready to seek help was in the bundle. Thinking that if I figured out how to perfectly parent then my child’s world would be safe and welcoming was in the bundle. The notion that decision making should be easy was in there. Whatever guarantees from the Universe I felt I was owed were in there too, as well as whatever notions I had that I could make it through this by myself.
I mentioned that one gift I’ve received from the pandemic has ultimately been a developing connection to what’s on the other side of grief. For me, the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is gratitude. I’m grateful that when I accept what I cannot control, I am presented with an entire host of new choices, some better than anything I could have imagined before. I’m grateful that sometimes, I choose being happy over being right, and in so doing my relationships with myself, my husband, my son, my community, my world includes more honesty, joy, creativity, curiosity, and love, instead of so much fear and judgement. I’m grateful that my best efforts to let go of measuring myself against external standards has revealed a wealth of strength, courage, resilience, and connectedness within myself that had gone long ignored. I’m grateful that while I may feel alone, the fact is that I am never alone, and I have learned how to reach out and seek out healthy connection instead of distraction. And speaking of distraction, I am grateful that the pandemic eliminated so much of it, so that I could see clearly my need for mental health recovery and find it. I am grateful for this body and all she has done for me, for this time to learn new ways to care for her. Mostly, I’m grateful for so many examples of change, out loud and in real life, because all of it will change. All. Of. It. And most profoundly, even though I’ve been stripped of answers, guarantees and illusions, and I grieve for the self, the life that came before, I am grateful for the pandemic offering me much needed lessons in patience; that I know I am, above all else, willing to keep an open mind, to keep going, one moment at a time.