On My 40th Birthday
The following was a letter, my fertility story, written to my patients in 2017, 4 months into my pregnancy with my daughter after years of infertility.
~Rebecca
Today is my 40th birthday… AND
I am a reproductive acupuncturist who had reproductive challenges. I often find it hard to answer the question when someone asks how long we had been trying. Fertility as it turns out, at least for us, was not a straight line and had so many layers- beyond what I could have imagined going in. Of course as a practitioner, I know those layers- blood flow, egg quality, sperm quality, stress, diet, vitamins, supplements, etc., but in real life it is not always that easy or direct. I suppose in total maybe we “tried” for 5-6 years.
To be honest, I think the first layer for us was being on the same page. Marriage is great and I am forever grateful for my partner in this. I think I was ready before he was- he was a “team player” but not really in a rush. Being 35 and doing the work I do, I had a little more urgency. After the first year and testing, everything seemed to indicate everything looked OK for both of us, so I thought OK, we will just continue giving it the old college try and it will happen, right?
And then somehow another year went by- we tried a few unmedicated IUIs and those didn’t work. And life happened around us- some family stress, some marriage stress. And I continued to immerse myself in work and although it wasn’t happening for us, I still knew I was doing the work I was supposed to be doing in working with couples to build their families. My work was my life.
And then I turned 38 and I knew that I needed to change things in my life to change our result. We went to a reproductive endocrinologist and had things retested and this time things didn’t look as good. My AMH was borderline low and my antral follicle count was low (all meaning that my ovarian reserve or eggs I had left to work with could be an issue). We did two more IUIs and decided it was time to switch gears. And then that took some more time to decide what the right decision was for us and I felt I needed time to get my body ready.
After much back and forth and really hashing out our options, we decided that we would go ahead with IVF and if not successful we would look at adoption. This was our path, our plan- everyone has a different one and no one can ever tell you what is right for you. We knew going in that our chances of success given my age and other factors wasn’t great and we did like our clinic locally, but in the end and after talking to a colleague I respect, we chose to move ahead with IVF in Vancouver. I liked the idea of stepping out of our everyday life and making a vacation of it,
So we set off in January for Vancouver- I arrived on January 4th and my husband was flying in on January 16th. And then as it turned out, I never got my period and we never did IVF. Because of my age, levels, etc we had not done birth control prior to the cycle so figured why not give it one more hail mary go of things and …this time it worked.
Sometimes I wish I could say there was one thing that was the magic trick but in reality I think it was a number of things:
1. Putting my self-care first
It is my tendency to take care of others before myself- this was a lesson that has taken years to learn and continues to be a work in progress but as they say you must take care of yourself to take care of others. While it is easy to say, it is not always easy to do
2. Letting go and leaning in
LETTING GO… of control, of the outcome and the path that would fall into place to get there. AND leaning into each other and our relationship and cracking it wide open. We spent time really exploring what we wanted our life to look like with or without a child and took steps to bring the missing pieces into reality instead of putting life on hold.
3. Taking my foot off the gas pedal
By nature I have a pretty A type personality- I am used to having a full day, multi-taking, and working well (or at least I thought) under stress. But in truth, I was pushing too hard and hadn’t made space in my life for the potential of what else life had in store for us. I had to slow down and take a step back.
4. Listening to my gut- both literally and figuratively
Literally- I have had digestive issues since I was younger. I had done diet modification for years but would cheat on and off. Going into IVF, I needed to heal my gut so my body could focus on other things. That meant taking my probiotic and other digestive support and eating a super, clean, ant-inflammatory diet- no gluten, no dairy, no soy, no processed food, and little to no sugar and alcohol (none in the month prior to leaving for Vancouver). Figuratively- Making decisions on a fertility journey can be difficult and not every recommendation will feel right.
While those years had their incredible challenges, I realize that they have also given me so many gifts. My husband and I have a stronger and deeper relationship as we had to work through some difficult decisions and disappointment along the way, we have had to opportunity to do some amazing things that likely would not have happened if we had a child sooner, and I do think it has made me a stronger practitioner. I know- I know every layer. I share the disappointment of every failed cycle with each of my patients and celebrate every positive event (whether a positive pregnancy test or an improvement in overall health and happiness). I wish fertility were a straight line with a predictable outcome that we could see out the gate, but as we know it is not. It is not easy, but you are not alone.
With gratitude,
Rebecca
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