Our Breastfeeding Stories
Our stories (below) were a 3-part series titled “Spilling the Milk” written 5 years ago for Orchid Chinese Medicine. In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, we wanted to share our experiences. Everyone’s journey is different–we hope that in sharing we can create space for discussion , community, and support.
Theresa
Alright, I’m going to start with a little TMI. I was showering late pregnancy, examining my very different body, and contemplating the arrival of my daughter when it hit me - my breasts were about to become my baby’s food source. In all honesty, it made me uncomfortable. At this time I was a birth doula and breastfeeding was a normal, natural part of my job. I helped new moms with their first latches. We celebrated the start of that beautiful relationship. But it was suddenly about to be my body and my baby, and I felt squeamish. It totally took me by surprise. I put it aside because my decision had been made. I was going to breastfeed. End of story.
My daughter finally arrived after a very challenging labor that ended in an emergency c-section and several drugs I was mentally and physically unprepared for. My rhythm was thrown off. The natural birth I had planned for went out the window. The stress and medications slowed my colostrum. My daughter spiked a fever and was away from me. They started her on formula. Through my haze I kept insisting she return to me to work on breastfeeding. She had a tongue-tie that was addressed immediately. We seemed to find our breastfeeding rhythm as I was being discharged from the hospital.
Once home, the latch I thought we had established seemed to deteriorate. My whole body would clench in anticipation of her latch which was counterproductive to my milk supply. My little nightstand supported a collection of creams and pain relievers and nipple shields. And because my supply was so low I had to continue supplementing with formula while pumping to increase my milk. I had also developed postpartum anxiety. I was frequently on the verge of defeat.
But something had shifted. The thoughts about the foreignness of breastfeeding my baby were gone. So although I cried through an intense pumping schedule I told myself it was likely temporary. I accepted the part that the formula played while I worked on my supply. I wore her as much as I could and we co-slept with the thought that proximity would help stimulate my body. A friend delivered delicious dark and creamy beer and my husband found funny shows for us to watch while I pumped or breastfed. I was fortunate to have resources for different body work to support and relax me in my healing process. I was very lucky to have the support of friends, my mom, and in-laws so I could talk out my anxieties, rest, and focus on my daughter. In the end, we didn’t fully have our rhythm until she was well over a month. And then we continued until she was three. And that’s a whole other thing…
My eyes were opened to the critical postpartum period. I was surprised that no one seemed to talk about how intense it was aside from “things will never be the same”, or, “you’ll be tired all the time”. I trained to be a postpartum doula and I always meet the family before the baby is due to talk about expectations, establishing good self-care practices, and connecting to resources, like a good lactation consultant and support groups. I am grateful for and have a deep appreciation for my breastfeeding journey and postpartum challenges.
Rebecca
I sit writing in the car as my daughter sleeps in the back seat. I have had 3 weeks to write this and have struggled to find the words. I knew it would be a challenge, almost one year out and I am still processing (and grieving) an unsuccessful breastfeeding relationship.
I thought I would talk about every intervention we tried (nipple shield, sns, donor milk, pumping every 2 hours), all the supplements (and even medication) I took, the food I tried to boost my supply. We had hoped my supply would just catch up and she would latch and it would work. But it didn’t. And the details have become blurry.
Rationally, even though I know I did everything I could to try and make it happen, there is still part of me that wonders if I could have done more or if it could have been different. I had wonderful support and guidance from lactation consultants who reminded me that I had put in the effort and sometimes you just don’t get the result.
I see this struggle day in and out in the work we do at Orchid... and it is continually one of my life lessons both personally and professionally. Sometimes you can want something so bad and do everything you are supposed to do (eat the “right” things, avoid the “bad” things, take all your supplements, and practice all your self-care) and it still doesn’t happen (or not in the timeline you had hoped or expected or the way you dreamed it would in a million years). It is hard to find the silver lining in that moment and not feel like you have failed somehow. But life has its own agenda and I suppose these are good lessons for motherhood as all of a sudden you have this beautiful being that has their own path and preferences (and wakes times;) and often do the exact opposite of what you would like them to. You make the best decisions you can when thrown off course and move forward, hoping you didn’t make the wrong choice.
I have been reading a lot lately about the pressures to be perfect in motherhood that can leave one feeling inadequate or guilty when they can’t or don’t want to do it all. I continually remind myself that it doesn’t need to be perfect-just good enough. Our daughter is loved and taking care of me is equally important on our journey together as a family. The mindfulness class I took years ago has been put to good use- each day I try and focus on the positives versus my shortcomings (some days are certainly better than others). I am grateful as although there are still occasional twinges of sadness or disappointment, I am working through it. My body has done things beyond what I ever expected and for that I have to honor it- it didn’t all go as I planned but it is my story and it is my daughter’s story.
I was fortunate, as were Lisa and Theresa, in that we knew how to access amazing resources and support if needed. We also have flexibility with our work schedules and live and work in breastfeeding supportive environments. We find, however, that many patients are given very little breastfeeding support and yet see it is often the most challenging part of being a new mom. And even with a good start to a breastfeeding relationship, many women are faced with challenges when they return to work and are now trying to do their job and maintain their supply (on top of caring for their baby).
We hope that this blog series opens up the conversation about breastfeeding, motherhood and ways to strengthen the support that women are given throughout their journey, whatever it may be. Thank you for allowing us to share ours.
Lisa– thank you for letting us share!
I've been doing some reorganization lately — packing up all of the tiny pumping supplies, some of the bottles that somehow missed the first pass this Spring, and the like. I'll keep a pump and one set of spare parts at the office for good measure (though I'm not sure what a pumping emergency might constitute at this point); the rest will get one last loving washing by hand before they go on a brief sabbatical in a plastic tote in our quiet basement. It's funny to think about how we lived for so long in 3-hour increments. Nursing or pumping, it didn't matter to my body, so long as we kept things moving.
Then, all of sudden, one day I stopped to realize that this feverish pace had slowed considerably. I suppose it started with eliminating one of the pumping blocks on my schedule, to then getting busy enough to "skip" that second one and continually forgetting my pumping bag before leaving for the office anyhow. Don't get me wrong — at almost 17 months, my daughter still shows zero interest in stopping breastfeeding — but like all aspects of parenting, we appear to have entered this new phase with little notice on my part until much after the fact. I'm not far enough along into the parenting experience to know such things for sure, but I imagine this is how most of parenting goes. One day you're in the thick of it (whatever that it may be at the time), and then before you realize it, you've entered completely different territory. As a way of organizing thoughts on an adventure I've still yet to fully process (or to finish, for that matter), here are some of the highlights of our journey so far:
Wins
Pregnancy, Week 40: (a.k.a. Colostrum — I'm making it?) The final weeks of pregnancy were...rough. I was doing Pre-Birth acupuncture, taking stairs in twos, circles on the birth ball, even doing full-on lunges as my husband and I navigated the exhibits of the Milwaukee Public Museum just one last time as the two of us. (The visual of that is quite laughable in hindsight.) Attempting to just nudge things along a bit more though on the oxytocin front (and to get into the swing of things with this new pump), I set it up the evening of my due date and sat down to watch a movie. Lo and behold, I looked down 15 minutes later and colostrum was actually coming out. Again, not expecting an immediate win on the breastfeeding front, this was a happy, albeit small, victory. My milk did come in (fully, ouch) the day after our daughter's birth, and I credit this, at least in part, to pumping colostrum in the days that followed up until she was born. (Note: Given the action of this stimulation on the uterus, please discuss with your provider before attempting in late pregnancy. More info here.)
All in all, nursing has come quite easily. (I did not expect that! As we help many with acupuncture and Chinese herbs for concerns such as low supply, blocked ducts and recurrent mastitis, perhaps I was more likely expecting these scenarios than how things did actually unfold for us. Not to say that they each didn't occur, at times, but with some work they have been able to resolve.) I also acknowledge fully that the ability to have a less than full-time schedule of patient hours, and the access to strong resources, healthy foods and the support of my husband have been invaluable in not only establishing but also in keeping my supply up while nursing.
Challenges
We discovered a tongue and upper lip tie during my daughter's newborn exam & screening. (Yay for midwife care!) To her credit, she didn't let this hold her back from getting to that milk one bit, but this latching with gusto was incredibly painful. I'll never forget bracing myself for every nursing session that first month or so.
We had her tongue and lip revision performed at 5 days old. (Perhaps that belongs in the Wins column, too.) However, peak new mom hormones added an entirely new level of heartbreak to the procedure itself, and having to do the stretching "exercises" for the month to follow made me feel like the worst person ever. While we were told that the latch often improves "immediately" after the procedure (laser, in our case), I did not find this to be true. It took around a month for her to re-learn to latch without using using her cheeks.
Oversupply: too much of a good thing? Kind of. I was able to temporarily implement some block feeding, and we found gripe water to be very helpful with the discomfort during the transition.
Shortly after transitioning out of the oversupply stage (and possibly masked by this, in part), it was determined that our daughter had terrible reflux and vomiting resulting from a cow's milk protein intolerance. Within 2 weeks of total elimination of dairy on my part, her symptoms resolved. Not easy by any stretch, but so worth it. Navigating this and looking into alternatives brought to focus how challenging it can be for new parents trying to find formulas that work when nursing isn’t an option and there are allergies/sensitivities. (And as a formula baby myself, it sounds as if I might have had these same sensitivities in hearing my parents talk about the early days.) After we determined that my going dairy-free worked, I had just over a month's worth of pumped milk in the freezer that was no longer of no use. Having worked hard to bank this before going back to work made this a bit emotional on my end, but the feelings did soften as the milk found its way to another new family…
Reverse cycling started when I came back to acupuncture from maternity leave and never really went away, complicating an already difficult transition. #enoughsaid
Surprises
I enjoy breastfeeding. (Or, more accurately...I enjoy breastfeeding?) Hear me out: I was 100% committed to breastfeeding our daughter in principle, but was not exactly...looking forward to it? (In all fairness, I hear a lot of mothers-to-be sharing a similar sentiment for various reasons.) Still, it's so funny to say that in hindsight, when in reality it's been my absolute favorite aspect of motherhood. I am infinitely grateful to what my body has been able to provide for her in these early days. Breastfeeding has been so many things — a much needed moment of respite for just the two of us, a quick spot of comfort in times of need, a way to slowly reconnect after we've been apart for the day, and so much more. But my favorite piece (and the most unexpected) has been in discovering our daughter's personality from the earliest moments, played out perfectly in how she nurses. She is determined, always persistent, she does things her way, and all of this became apparent in those very first latches.
I think I've put a bit more effort into this farewell to all these tiny little pumping parts as a small ritual of sorts. I didn't exactly realize we were passing out of this leg of the journey until well after, and now it's time to mark the occasion with a bit of gratitude for not only their role in that, but also in what my own body has navigated these past 16-plus months. It doesn't seem that an official weaning period is in the cards just yet, but this first of tiny goodbyes will inevitably help prepare for that next transition...